Up Your's Murphy

Stubbing a toe on a pumpkin is never a good way to start the day. When I placed the squat squash at the entrance to my bathroom I warned myself, "Don't forget about that tomorrow morning."

My alarm went off at seven. I moseyed down the hall in the dark when Pumpkin (P.) got the best of me and my toe. Shards and blood issued forth along with curses to both P. and the early hour. That stupid pumpkin still hasn't been carved, a month and a half overdue. It spent some time next to my bookshelf, a few weeks in my bathtub (no better place for a pumpkin, really), and moved into the hall, "Incident Eve."  Now it is back in the bathroom. I can't be bothered to carve it right now, and who says you can only carve a pumpkin on Halloween? Thanksgiving is fast approaching and considering my bustling schedule it looks like it is going to be a Christmas pumpkin. Valentine's pumpkin? Easter?

I considered this stubbing-of-the-toe situation a minor frustration among many. It is almost humorous at this point. Murphy's Law may have tried to wear me down, but I have something for him. 

Murphy's Law goes something like this: "if it can go wrong, it will."  Life deals the shit all at once, it seems. I testify. 

In a matter of four months I have been catapulted into a fury of pain, confusion, decisions, duress, stress, etc. in every arena of my life. There were nights I would pray for sleep because I could not quiet my thoughts and anxiety about everything. Why was everything going wrong?

Then, the other day I was thinking about Murphy, my life and all the things that have seemingly unravelled. I wondered about the word "wrong." If it can go...wrong? What if what we think of as 'wrong' is actually 'right' according to a higher purpose? Sure, one can consider this idea as being able to perceive the good in a situation, but I tend to think that it goes deeper. Maybe these 'wrong' situations are actually good ones. Where does is say that what is right is inherently good? Or happy? Or easy? Maybe what I considered to be 'right' was in truth 'bad'? Where does the human race get off in deciding what morality or truth is? Definitions are human deductions anyway. How are we to know what 'good' is? I guess we will continue to argue about the definition of 'good' until death, or until it is revealed.

Nothing in my life is easy right now, but I am able to sense the good. I am worn thin, but something of light carries me through. 

A few months ago I was asking God, "Why is this happening to me?" 

Now I know. Because it must and because it is good. 

With each blow I have become more aware of my strength. I'm not sure if I would have coined myself a strong person pre-war, but even if I had I would not have known what it meant. Post-war, I am aware of what my strength is. My strength can suffer, deplete, drain itself in tears. My strength knows pain. It knows exhaustion and helplessness. My strength can also take in air, life, hope and move forward. My strength sheds scales and fills new skin. It can get dressed, make its bed and turn on the coffee pot. It has spent hours alone in emergency rooms, classrooms, playrooms, lonely apartments and continues to thrive. My strength anticipates an excruciating season of twinkling lights and holly, but perceives greatness beyond the sadness and could-have-beens.