Too Much Information.

I deep into "Stiff" and now, every time I blow my nose I think about the fact that my brain will inevitably seep from my nasal passage soon after I am dead.

I feel like a death-vehicle. One person told me not to read it, but I decided to anyway. He had not read it so why would I listen to him? Nevermore, nevermore.

While I was reading about plane-crash victims a few days ago I realized that I have to make a decision. Since dying in a plane crash is my greatest fear, it seems that I have two options:

1. Never again board a plane sober. This will enhance my unawareness in the case of sudden cabin depressurization; the plane being severed into several pieces in which case I will be hurled from my seat (despite my belt); and falling, falling, falling which is exactly what I do not want to experience.

2. Step on board completely sober, be seated next to emergency exit, study the evacuation information, remain calm and prepare myself for the worst. Most crashes occur during take-off or landing (we all know that) and therefore most deaths are not caused by a crash into the ground, but rather by fire and smoke in the cabin. People panic, trample, lose awareness and those next to the emergency exits are unable to open them. I could be the one who is prepared and conscious enough to open the door for the terrified stampede! At this point, tragedy turns to delight as we all cry, "Wheeee," down the inflatable slide. "What fun," we agree once on the tarmac. Years later, we will reminisce about that one time we almost died, but were saved in orderly fashion by the oh-so-savvy Marie and the billowy chute.

How am I to know which option to choose? If deny the Vicodin because I anticipate a take-off crash but am actually subjected to a high-altitude crash over the Pacific, what good was my decision? If I pop a few pills before take-off because I am expecting an engine failure to occur an hour into the flight, how am I going to be be able to pry open the emergency exit door when the plane crashes thirty seconds after take-off?

I wish I had never watched "Final Destination." My friend Elena and I saw it about four times in the theatre, and the plane crash scene has scarred me forever. I am not sure if this book is furthering my anxiety, or easing me into acceptance. 

Note: avoiding air-travel altogether is not an option. Staying grounded is not, has never been, nor will ever be one of my strengths. Inky wings belong on my back.