When Yer Twenty...Six

I tend to forget about this blog when I'm happy. That's not to say that I'm not happy right now. On the contrary, I am really stinking happy. I wish I were more inclined to write regardless of my circumstances. I suppose that if feels like I'm bragging, in a way, when I celebrate my life in this context. Why does it feel more acceptable or less obnoxious to write something moody and depressed? (More acceptable to whom?) Why does happiness so often come across as less genuine, less interesting than despondency? Is this musing a symptom of being an English major?

I'm really happy right now and I choose to admit my contentedness (mixed with a healthy dose of anxiety and excitement). I am going to be a student again. I will have a pile of demanding books (I'm salivating at the thought- seriously). The keyboard will be the crack to my fingertips, and my dark circles will claim more territory. I need this. I was more uncertain that I'd be accepted into this program than I was when I applied to my undergraduate institution. The fact that I'm changing the trajectory of my life is difficult to grasp, but then again, what of the future isn't?

To Be Alone With...Me

1. Wake up. The banality of such an effort affords it no mention in this blog. Erase it from your memory.

2. Cuddle with my love. "Hello, hello," I whisper. "Qu'est-ce que c'est? Quieres comida?" We're a bilingual household.

3. Read for longer than I anticipate. Pull/peel myself away.

4. "The Beatles Yesterday and Today" on vinyl while scrubbing dishes. (I find this oddly fulfilling and fun).

5. Return to book.

6. Skype with the love of my life. How refreshing it was to be in the presence of one who fully knows and understands me, even if it relied upon signals, satellites and wires. Lately, I have been bumping up against the fact that I am difficult to read. It was nice to not have to worry about that today. Effortless. Home.

7. Go for my longest run thus far atop layers of crisp autumn leaves and under a lovely grey sky.

8. High from a run, I produce my best "entrance letter" yet. It should be complete by tomorrow.

9. Read, again. It's soooo good! Thanks for lending it to me, I-!

10. Work on Halloween crafts. Paint, glitter, glue, what fun!!!

11. Home-made onion rings. What? I ran today and my pants are falling off of me, anyway. Don't judge.

12. Watch documentary about crows. Do it.

13. You guessed it. Read.

Living alone, if one knows how to do it properly, is not a bad thing. I happen to love it.

No More Ms. Nice Gal

I've have found myself in a place, again, where I'm thinking I'm far too passive to be "successful." About a year ago, I was at a barbecue which was actually a reunion for men and women who had attended Evergreen twenty years ago. I was a crasher. I was talking to a drunk and possibly stoned attorney and when I mentioned that I was thinking of going to law school, he said, "You're not enough of a bitch to be a lawyer. You're way too nice." At the time, I was disappointed and slightly annoyed, but I decided that he was right. I like to argue, but only under a very secure safety canopy with intimate company (or perhaps with fellow drunkards, but who wants to admit that...?). Conditions must be perfect. Further, I hate being the center of attention. Being an attorney isn't the proper platform for me. Then, someone suggested that I look into becoming a paralegal.

For the past year, I've been saying that "I'm thinking of going to school to earn a paralegal certificate." It's been churning for far too long and I'm tired of lazily entertaining the idea. I'm ready to actually do it. I am trying to dismiss my deep-rotted tendencies to doubt and discourage myself. Part of me thinks this flaw of mine is genetic and if I were to take on the right attitude that I could trump it. Consciousness/will versus DNA. Another part of me thinks that I, as a mostly passive and empathetic person, don't really fit into a work world where power and aplomb are essentially required. Passivity is not an attribute that I value, but empathy is. I hope that there is a way I can reconcile my empathetic nature with a career that demands I have tough skin.

While at dinner last night, I- and I were talking about this and he was telling me that he recently heard a piece about the idea of "stepping over/on people to get ahead." He said something along the lines of, you're always going to have to take from someone else or step over someone to get what you want and be successful. "But why? That's depressing," I responded. "What do you mean 'Why?' That's just how it has to work. Here's twenty dollars. Either you get it or someone else does." "Why can't I split it?" "Because you can't. That's not an option. It's either you or someone else walks away with the twenty bucks." So now I'm left to wonder, which person am I/do I want to be and is there a respectful and kind way to be the one to walk away with the twenty dollars?

Despite my ethical ruminations, I called UW today and am on the road to a new career. I am hoping that I'll find answers along the way. That's usually how it works.

Aye me!

Goodness me! Where did this come from? I didn't want this, but now I'm in. Way in. My head and heart are driving me nuts. There she goes again, diving in head first. Deep, deep, deep. I'm pretty sure I know how this ends. Fatalistic much? Stop thinking, stop thinking! How? Whiskey? Gym? Other men? French films? None of it works.

You and your Seinfeld impressions, poetry, and stupid wonderful brilliant brain are more than I can take. It's making a mess of me.

So much sighing...

Temper that Temper!

Yesterday, I woke up early as I usually do these days. I was feeling accomplished and relieved that all of my duties as an event organizer were complete. Sure, things could have been done different, better, but I knew that I had worked really hard on a project that meant a lot to me and I had done the best job I could with the tools and time I had been given. My day was structured around pulling the final strings together: go into the office for data entry training and to organize all materials; pick up the P.A. system; set up at the venue; hold the event. At 8:00 A.M., K- (who has been pretty much hands off of this project) texted me that he thought we should call the whole thing off. Poof! Say good-bye to everything you poured yourself into for the past month. I was furious, boiling. Muscles, blood, skin, mind- all of it became tense, angry, PISSED. Fortunately, S- stayed the night and I was able to vent for a while, but it wasn't enough to extinguish the anger I was feeling.

For the first time in a while, I needed to go to the gym. I needed to punch something, throw something other than my phone which didn't do anything wrong, poor thing. After S- left, I received a call from a friend who invited me over to walk the lake. We walked, I fumed and complained and as the morning gloom burned off, so did a bit of my steam. Afterward, I felt better and we sat on the porch, drank coffee, snacked and enjoyed the summer breeze and the comfort of safe company. As our time together was winding down, E- called and asked if I wanted to play tennis.

Universe? You must be listening.

We played for a couple of hours and my remaining frustrations dissipated. Not to brag...okay, I'm going to brag... We played thirteen games and I won ten. E- wouldn't admit that I'm better than him. He's an ass, really, but I am pretty proud that I kicked his. Winning is something I am a pretty big fan of, but more than that, playing tennis- hitting the shit out of those balls- was quality therapy. I took a few overzealous plows at the ball, losing one to Cherry, but my word did it feel good!

The connection between my mind and body was extreme and indisputable yesterday. The anger was both mental and physical. Of course it was, but when it's as apparent as it was yesterday, I find the connection so interesting. Part of me wanted to stay home, feel sorry for myself and complain to the empty spaces. But no, four miles and an hour and a half of tennis later, my body and mind were able to let go. I'm still angry, but I was able to take control of my emotions, or rather the way in which I was internalizing them. I was able to channel my negative energy and grievances into healthy activities that remedied the situation far better than any amount of wallowing would have.

I was at a bookstore several years ago and happened upon one of the most dismal children's books in existence. The final page said something along the lines of "...and some days end the same way they started." The illustration showed a slight, emo-looking child, shoulders slumped, forehead parallel to the moldy, dusty floorboards, looking empty and depressed to the 100th degree. I could have stayed home yesterday and festered in my fury. If I had, I would have ended the day just as I had started it. I'm lucky to have people in my life who don't allow me to do that.

The Best of Times: Lots of Wine and Wonderful Friends

Where do I begin? The past month has been incredibly busy and full of new people, old loves and everything in between. I've realized (again) how fantastic my friends are. Truly. They are the best of the best.

Several weeks ago, I was able to travel to Washington D.C. to visit J- and K-. I went, primarily, to help K- out. She was having a rough time and needed a friend to break up the monotony of her life and someone to help her pack. However, I'm not going to hide the fact that seeing the Harry Potter premiere with her was a major factor when deciding whether or not I was going to go. She had planned on convincing me to come for a while and informed me after I bought my plane ticket that she knew all along that I'd do it. Apparently I'm easy. We went to a few wineries, J- shared his fancy whiskey with me on the deck as the sun set (I saw fireflies for the first time!), K- and I spent time in the pool catching up and relaxing. I feel so comfortable around them and they make me laugh a ton. I love them as a couple and hope that one day I meet someone with whom I have such a connection. They have had their troubles, but always find a way to come back together. I love my friends.

I also went to a wedding a couple of weeks ago. I have decided that all of my friends must get married now so I can go to even more weddings. Dancing and being silly and sharing in the couple's joy was so much fun. I haven't danced in a while and forgot how much I enjoy it. After the wedding, J-, B-, D- and I went back to our room and had a robe party. We ordered a bottle of wine and sat around talking and laughing into the wee hours of the morning. I love my friends.

This past weekend, A- took me to a cabin for my birthday. There were four of us and it was relaxing and lovely to be in the woods. I think I could live in the woods and be truly happy...with the right person. We hiked to some natural hot springs on Monday and since I forgot socks, I had to hike in my sandals. Last week, A- asked me why I am vegan and when I told him my stock answer (Because I want to cause the least amount of suffering possible, and it makes sense for me), he teased me by saying, "Okay, Jesus!" Hiking in my sandals only proves it. Obviously. Anyway, we also spent time around a fire, in the hot tub, and playing games and drinking wine (naturally). I love my friends.

This upcoming weekend marks the final weekend of travel for me. I'm going to the coast with E-, and I'm slightly anxious about it. I've already made it very clear to him that I don't want to be anything more than platonic friends, and I'm pretty certain that he understands and will respect my boundaries, but he has sent me a few flirty text messages since our conversation. Maybe he's just joking around, but it makes me wonder if he's holding out hope. I really wish I didn't have this anxiety hanging over my head because the trip could be a lot of fun. He's bringing his surfboard and I can't wait to walk in the sand and read in the sun. Ugh. Male-female friendships are tricky, I'm coming to find. I kind of wish one of my girlfriends could come along.

Sorry this entry has been so bland and "Dear Diary." You didn't have to read it, though!

Lately

I said that I wasn't interested in dating. I couldn't imagine ever being excited about someone again. I knew that I would, but I didn't see it happening in the near future.

News is: I am excited.