No More Ms. Nice Gal

I've have found myself in a place, again, where I'm thinking I'm far too passive to be "successful." About a year ago, I was at a barbecue which was actually a reunion for men and women who had attended Evergreen twenty years ago. I was a crasher. I was talking to a drunk and possibly stoned attorney and when I mentioned that I was thinking of going to law school, he said, "You're not enough of a bitch to be a lawyer. You're way too nice." At the time, I was disappointed and slightly annoyed, but I decided that he was right. I like to argue, but only under a very secure safety canopy with intimate company (or perhaps with fellow drunkards, but who wants to admit that...?). Conditions must be perfect. Further, I hate being the center of attention. Being an attorney isn't the proper platform for me. Then, someone suggested that I look into becoming a paralegal.

For the past year, I've been saying that "I'm thinking of going to school to earn a paralegal certificate." It's been churning for far too long and I'm tired of lazily entertaining the idea. I'm ready to actually do it. I am trying to dismiss my deep-rotted tendencies to doubt and discourage myself. Part of me thinks this flaw of mine is genetic and if I were to take on the right attitude that I could trump it. Consciousness/will versus DNA. Another part of me thinks that I, as a mostly passive and empathetic person, don't really fit into a work world where power and aplomb are essentially required. Passivity is not an attribute that I value, but empathy is. I hope that there is a way I can reconcile my empathetic nature with a career that demands I have tough skin.

While at dinner last night, I- and I were talking about this and he was telling me that he recently heard a piece about the idea of "stepping over/on people to get ahead." He said something along the lines of, you're always going to have to take from someone else or step over someone to get what you want and be successful. "But why? That's depressing," I responded. "What do you mean 'Why?' That's just how it has to work. Here's twenty dollars. Either you get it or someone else does." "Why can't I split it?" "Because you can't. That's not an option. It's either you or someone else walks away with the twenty bucks." So now I'm left to wonder, which person am I/do I want to be and is there a respectful and kind way to be the one to walk away with the twenty dollars?

Despite my ethical ruminations, I called UW today and am on the road to a new career. I am hoping that I'll find answers along the way. That's usually how it works.