What would you think of me if I told you I haven't slept in weeks?

The Cold War Kids concert: how could it be anything less than awesome?

Ask me how it was. Come on, ask me. Ask me, ask me, ask me! Okay, I'll tell you. It was awesome. I love going to concerts by myself because I can dance as much as I want. I can be in my own world; just me and the music.

Sean Hayes opened. His lyrics reminded me of Bob Dylan so I automatically fell in love, except for with his love song which made me want to vomit. Some ass yelled out, "We don't want to hear you," between his songs. "What's that?" asked Hayes. The guy repeated himself. "Then go the fuck outside!" Hayes yelled back. I hate people like that. Even if he didn't like Hayes' music, I don't understand why he would feel like he had the right to bash him while he was performing. Jerk.

Gosh, I don't feel like going into details. I will make a list and call it good.

Pros:
1. Awesome show. They seemed sober which was a nice change. It's not that drugs bother me, but once I went to a show and the guy was so stoned that the energy of his performance was virtually nonexistent.

2. The guy next to me smelled amazing. It was a clean mix of tobacco and sweat. I made sure to stay close.

3. Dancing.

4. Feeling free and happy, finally. (Will it last?)

Cons:
1. The typical flighty chick who texts and talks during the whole show. She got excited a few times when they played some of their popular old stuff, but during the bulk of the show she kept looking to the back of the room at who knows what. Her friends kept coming and going and pushing their way past. Seriously, aren't you here to hear the freaking music? I am overreacting, but show some respect.

2. Blisters all over my feet. War wounds really. Maybe this one should go under pros.

As I walked into the parking garage at 11:30, I interrupted a make-out session. I thought about asking if I could join, but decided against it. Instead I joked, "Whoa, ha, don't mind me." They laughed and we talked about the show in the elevator. So I guess I did talk to someone, Mom.

Since it's 2:00, I guess I ought to put some pants on. Must keep on keepin' on, pursuin' that dawg-on American Dream. Or maybe I'll just read some Bukowski. Good enough. I'm going to a girls and chocolate night. I think a chick flick is to follow. Shall I bring my noose? I am expecting to be overwhelmed with estrogen. Who knows if it will be fun, but at least I can walk home as soon as the girlyness begins to suffocate me. I will probably end up having fun though; I usually do.

I have been wondering lately about why I blog. I mean, no one reads it, but I have begun to enjoy it for that very reason. I no longer strive for poeticism with each post. I don't care. For some reason, it is fun to write for no one but myself. Plus I love the rhythmic sound of my fingers dancing over the keyboard.

Also, I feel like the details of my life are only for those close to me. Not the internet.

Eventually, but not today

Mamma said, lift your head from the sieve of your hands.
Mamma said eventually this hurting will end.
But the shockwaves on my bones will linger,
Like the ghost of you here in my bed.

When I was lost you thought me a beautiful find.
Sometimes I think of you sleeping, so sleep for a while.
I find myself asking who'd do this to love,
And the white-shouldered mountains they pointed above.

Lord you just dropped me here by the side of this road.
Out here's too cold and I don't want to walk it alone.
I've got a bottle of your blood inside me,
And on old beggar's prayer on the tip of my tongue.

Mamma said, lift your head from the sieve of your hands.
Mamma said that eventually this hurting will end...

-Emiliana Torrini

The "You will be Okay" Mantra

It felt like I was selling my soul to the Devil. "Okay, well I guess I'll do it," I said through clenched jaw. My head was spinning, I could not think clearly. My thoughts were temporal and constantly being overlapped by others. When she left her office for a moment, I could not sit any longer. I paced, panicked, walked in circles, panicked, tugged at my hair, panicked, and took pre-planned, conscious deep breaths.

I went in knowing that there was a good chance that I would be submitting an application, but when I wrote that check it felt like I was agreeing to have my feet set in concrete. It was real and it was happing too fast; I could not find my center. I think I have been thinking about going to art school for so long, I never came to a place where I was prepared to go. I wanted to go and I knew I would eventually, but it never seemed like it was real. No matter how soon I "planned" on going, it always felt like the present was never ending and the future would never come. But here it is, I am going to art school to do the only thing that excites me--the only thing that keeps me up at night (other than anxiety). I think I am realizing that this marks a different stage in my life and and I am not only going to school, but also taking a step towards a purpose and passion--the very thing that has scared me for so long. It feels serious.

As I drove away, I had a panic attack and almost died on the freeway. I was crying, and having a hard time breathing. It felt like nothing around me was real. There is no other way to say this: I am scared. What if I am wasting my finances? What if I am a poor designer? What if I can not handle a full-time job and school at the same time? What am I going to do with Maya? What if my new and thrilling social life takes a dive? What if I go to school, but can not find a job when I graduate? What if, what if, what if...? Just shut up already, voice!

I can not grant this voice victory any longer. For ten years it has persuaded me that design was not for me for a variety of reasons. It is the bad angel on my shoulder and I have grown tired of it. I know I am talented, and I believe that we have passions for a reason. I know my passion. This is why I wrote the check, and this is why in two weeks I will be sitting in a classroom again.

I am ready to finally do this, despite my trepidation and anxiety. Before work I took a walk along the water, with the one who loves me more than anyone. She loves me so much that when I go to the bathroom, she needs to come too. As I strolled I found my center. I was alone, something I have grown accustomed to, and slowly my breathing steadied and I found calm. "He can see it through the blur of water, see it shaking, coming his way like a ray of light," Cloudstreet.

Sing me a song, music man!

What a great day!

Music!! Last week I went to Easy Street, practically wetting my pants due to the anticipation of the new "Cold War Kids" record. Last week was not the release date. Went home dejected. I ventured back to the store today, keeping expectations as low as possible only to find that today was the actual release date. Allowed myself to wet my pants. Thank you Venus! It's a cryptic and dark record. Perfect. If any one of the guys asked me into bed, I would have not a single hesitation. Before I found CWK's new album I discovered that Jenny Lewis had put out a new one too! Hurray Capitalism! I purchased both and they have become my new lovers.

High time for more friends...however abstract they may be.

Oh, I have also reclaimed the value of bleach (even if it is environmentally destructive), am prepared for a kick-ass party, and am on the path to scholastic success. All the boxes on my to-do list have been crossed and exceeded.

Mom, since you are the only reading my blog, you must be so proud!

maggie and milly and molly and may
e.e. cummings

maggie and milly and molly and may
went down to the beach (to play one day)

and maggie discovered a shell that sang
so sweetly she couldn’t remember her troubles, and

milly befriended a stranded star
whose rays five languid fingers were;

and molly was chased by a horrible thing
which raced sideways while blowing bubbles; and

may came home with a smooth round stone
as small as a world and as large as alone.

For whatever we lose(like a you or a me)
it’s always ourselves we find in the sea


During the climax of each painful season in my life I am drawn to the coast. It may have to do with the fact that I grew up near the ocean and consider it as a sort of security blanket, or it may be about something more significant. I opt for the latter. The sounds engulf me, the smell of the sea comforts, the wind embraces. How am I alone? I experience a cleansing whenever I am at the beach. I find myself taking deeper breaths, walking slower and feeling more alive. The waves roll in and cover me; as they roll away I imagine them carrying away all that I am letting go of. I am constantly taking in new things and giving away old things; life is flux. Tomorrow, I will go to the coast and let go.

I opt for an escapist imagination to rebuild me.

Pretend that it didn't happen=healing?

Think, think, think=healing?

Fill in the gaps=healing?

Anger=healing?

Time=healing?

That I Could Be Happy

Not so well rested: Woke up after being chased by a knife wielding man whom I killed by smashing him between the front bumper and the back of another car; Lord of the Flies boys in black V-necks were trying to kill me too (had to kill one of them as well); a hot party guy tried to drug me via damp cloth; and polar bears and everyone around me were involved a carnivalesque orgy.

Pain in the Ass: Dre destroyed my gluteus and thighs. 

Success: Two vintage dresses that I ordered online came today. They are a little big, but perfect. 

Middle of the road: I headed off to the dog park only to find that the Huskies were having a game which lead to the blocking off of an entire road. I am not talking about a minor street. This was a serious, main road which leads to many important places. Therefore, the dog park was out. One would think that this city would have a better way of organizing traffic. Lately, I have been feeling more adventurous so I decided to drive to a different dog park which I have been wanting to visit for a while. The weather was gorgeous, my tank was full, no one was expecting me anywhere and so without any idea of where it was going, I took off. I ended up losing my way and had no idea where I was, but it was perfect. I happened upon a windy tree-lined road. The leaves were at the first stage of turning, my music was loud, the windows were down and I felt at peace. It was all sighs and smiles. Sometimes ending up nowhere is right were I want to be.

Disappointment: Game night. Why so serious? Aren't games supposed to be fun? 

Good night moon.