The "You will be Okay" Mantra

It felt like I was selling my soul to the Devil. "Okay, well I guess I'll do it," I said through clenched jaw. My head was spinning, I could not think clearly. My thoughts were temporal and constantly being overlapped by others. When she left her office for a moment, I could not sit any longer. I paced, panicked, walked in circles, panicked, tugged at my hair, panicked, and took pre-planned, conscious deep breaths.

I went in knowing that there was a good chance that I would be submitting an application, but when I wrote that check it felt like I was agreeing to have my feet set in concrete. It was real and it was happing too fast; I could not find my center. I think I have been thinking about going to art school for so long, I never came to a place where I was prepared to go. I wanted to go and I knew I would eventually, but it never seemed like it was real. No matter how soon I "planned" on going, it always felt like the present was never ending and the future would never come. But here it is, I am going to art school to do the only thing that excites me--the only thing that keeps me up at night (other than anxiety). I think I am realizing that this marks a different stage in my life and and I am not only going to school, but also taking a step towards a purpose and passion--the very thing that has scared me for so long. It feels serious.

As I drove away, I had a panic attack and almost died on the freeway. I was crying, and having a hard time breathing. It felt like nothing around me was real. There is no other way to say this: I am scared. What if I am wasting my finances? What if I am a poor designer? What if I can not handle a full-time job and school at the same time? What am I going to do with Maya? What if my new and thrilling social life takes a dive? What if I go to school, but can not find a job when I graduate? What if, what if, what if...? Just shut up already, voice!

I can not grant this voice victory any longer. For ten years it has persuaded me that design was not for me for a variety of reasons. It is the bad angel on my shoulder and I have grown tired of it. I know I am talented, and I believe that we have passions for a reason. I know my passion. This is why I wrote the check, and this is why in two weeks I will be sitting in a classroom again.

I am ready to finally do this, despite my trepidation and anxiety. Before work I took a walk along the water, with the one who loves me more than anyone. She loves me so much that when I go to the bathroom, she needs to come too. As I strolled I found my center. I was alone, something I have grown accustomed to, and slowly my breathing steadied and I found calm. "He can see it through the blur of water, see it shaking, coming his way like a ray of light," Cloudstreet.