Milton Bradley and The Game of Life

"The goals we pursue are always veiled. A girl who longs for marriage longs for something she knows nothing about. The boy who hankers for fame has no idea what fame is. The thing that gives our every move its meaning is always totally unknown to us" --The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera

This very fact is one of the most exciting and terrifying aspects of life. I love that I have no idea what my life is going to look like in a year, ten years and so forth. Retrospect is one of my favorite places to dwell. It's funny to imagine how I would (or would not) get along with high-school Me. Sometimes as I am walking Maya around Queen Anne I recall the first time my mom and I drove through the neighborhood when I was previewing SPU. I whisper to my ghost from 2000 posing at the top of the hill for a cheesy picture, "In five years, you will live here, in this apartment all by yourself and you will love it. There will be a time of loneliness, but you will be strong. You will have a crazy dog and, well, believe it or not you will drink lots of wine. It's going to be great." It's better to be able to look back and see how certain events led to an outcome rather than knowing the future. Knowing the future would paralyze many people in terror and it would take away from the complexity and surprise of life. I have always loved surprises and expect nothing less from God. If only all surprises were easy to bear.

At church, Richard was talking about how we can plan as much as we like, but in the end God might have something completely different for us. Here I am, planning to graduate from the Art Institute which will propel me into a successful career (what an alien word!). That is the plan and I can see it happening, but I might be completely off. There is a remote possibility that I will end up being an accomplished magician. I think that what matters at this point is that I just start out in a direction. For a while I have been having fun in my post-graduate, homework free life with no real ambition. It's only satisfying for so long. If I start moving, there is no doubt that something will happen! Something new and exciting--something nonexistent in my periphery. 

My goals are mere vapors; they may or may not take form. I am pursuing something unknown and it does not bother me one bit. Keep me guessing, God! I think I can handle it. I am scared, but I'll hold on.